You Gotta Love Frank

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

thFrank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home…and left it there all night.
You gotta love Frank!
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Tax Time

Father O’Malley answers his phone:
“Hello… is this Father O’Malley?”
“It Tis!”
“This is the IRS.”
“Well then, how can I help you?”
“Do you know a Mr.Ted Houlihan?”
“Yes, Yes I do!”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000.”
th“YES, He Will.”

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Christmas at Rock-Away Rest

‘Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive — the joy wouldn’t stop –

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like “Where Are You Living?” and “What Are Your Names?”

Old Grandfather Cooper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand’rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

(But we are so deaf that it just didn’t matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

‘Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived.

Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang — how we sang — in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled    out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.  And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

Before long you’ll be with us, we wish you the best!

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New Rules From Santa

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Weight Loss Program that WORKS!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”
th

He lost 33 lbs that week.

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Thanksgiving Divorce

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.th

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Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me.
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Little Larry

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom’larry

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Senior pick up

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looking image.
Seated at the end of the bar is an fine-looking elderly lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “so tell me, beautiful, do I come here often?”images-2

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Super Bowl Tickets

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A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.
Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc,
But he didn’t realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.
If you’re interested and want to go in his place;
It’s at St Peter’s Church, in New York City, at 5pm.
Her name’s Sara.
She’s 5’4″, about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year!
She will be the one in the white dress.

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