Seniors

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. The store wasn’t ready yet, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”
Seniors – They didn’t get old by being stupid!3689fa2099783af91c0de3392b6e58fa

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You Look Familiar

unknownWhenever I am Out
When I am out shopping or at a party, wherever someone comes up to me says, “You look very familiar… where have I seen you before?”
I like to give them a Big smile and respond with, “Do you watch porn movies?”
The look on the face…. Priceless!

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Stamps from Costa Rica

A woman goes to her gynecologist.
“What seems to be the  problem?” asked her doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong,  I keep finding postage stamps from
Costa  Rica in my vagina.”
The doctor  had a look, then chuckled before she said
“Those aren’t  postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas”
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A Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and         laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the
woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? att00017

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Lifestyle Change

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
images“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no. I got out of prison.”

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DUI-Montana Style

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Miles City,  MT.  After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the
wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the
parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”alcoholic3

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The Secret To Long Life

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A  doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above.
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
“I  couldn’t help but notice how happy you look!  What is your secret?

“I  smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice Big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk     food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.
“That is absolutely amazing! said the doctor. How old are you?”

“Forty.”

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A Friend in Need

I am reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help who wishes to remain anonymous.
His wife told him to get out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her a bottle of diet pills.
600px-Homeless_ManAnyway, he is looking for a place to stay. Can You help?

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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.  I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
UnknownThe woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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Senior Discount

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!

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